The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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