Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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