two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
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I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
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Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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