I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
