I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I intend to get homeless drunk
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
