I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
