I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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