You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
