he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
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I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
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I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
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