I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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