i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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