nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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