im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
