I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
