youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
