This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
