I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Randomize
