just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
