walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Never underestimate the power of titties
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
