i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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