just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
