I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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