You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
