This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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