Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
