I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
