My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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