So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
she peed on how many people?
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Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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