We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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