If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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