every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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