When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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