tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
