I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
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