My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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