I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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