everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I smell like Dick and happiness
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
