I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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