well I can't set my house on fire every night
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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