My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
