I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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