bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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