I puked a lego.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize