My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
