remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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