got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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