new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
