I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
