last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
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