both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
