She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
