Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
