If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
