literally had 100 drinks last night.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
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I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
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I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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