Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
