when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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